I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
