FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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