why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
