Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
