when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My dick has a subreddit
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
