how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
