I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
