hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
