My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you traded sex for a burrito?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
