that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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