You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize