I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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