the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
