We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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