I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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