SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
