Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I stole a fireplace last night.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize