Will you blow on my dice?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
