No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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