I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He? As in you personified your dick?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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