I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My cat gives me a boner
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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