i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
