Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
