tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
