Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize