it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
