Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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