He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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