I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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