she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
