Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
