Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
