i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
