my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
