Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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