I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I wear drunk well.
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