You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
