My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
