why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
