you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
