my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
