I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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