This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
