so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
