Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
