I like my sex mixed with concussions.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize