i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
