my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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