We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
