The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
i've created a new STD.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
