Your face is a jimmy john
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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