Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize