Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
