You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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