Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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