He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
