she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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