i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize