I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
