oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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