Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
