It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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