The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
