Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
