My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
my mouth tastes like poor choices
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
