it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
