two words: eviction party
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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