Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Randomize
