Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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