All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
