I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
