I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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