How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
