I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
